Well, I used to be a single mom, but since my kids are grown to 21 and 19 and I still haven’t married, does that make me a single mom still? You probably wonder, well what about their dad? I wasn’t married to him either. In the state I am from, they once still accepted couple’s living together as “common-law” marriage, so therefore when we split, I still had to divorce, and have not yet been married. Which broke my heart to have gone through that even after growing up from divorced parents. It was not what I wanted for myself or my kids. Now I am watching my eldest daughter take the same path I did at her age. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face and she no longer wants to discuss the matter and therefore, I am forced to watch her make the same mistakes that I tried to raise her to avoid. With that being said about the oldest, my youngest daughter, is taking on her father’s personality. Needless to say, I find it humorous at times since he has not been in their lives much after the divorce and she absolutely despises him. Despite my efforts to mend their relationship and get her to accept him and forgive him, she still refuses. So, where does that leave me at my age? Currently, even single, I am engaged to a great man, and plan to marry in the next 6 months to a year. Living at my own father’s home trying to get on my feet while I’m here and not make his life miserable. He never remarried either. I used to worry about him being alone for half of my life, and finally accepted that he’s okay with being alone, perhaps even for the better.
I know this is still supposed to be about me. I am trying to think of other things to discuss about me. I haven’t written much in a long time and was never very good at journaling. I even often wish, “if only I had another blog” to ramble on about things, what would I say?
I am also a heart patient. I have 3rd degree heart block (aka: complete heart block) it is an electrical issue with my heart that the top and lower halves do not communicate well and therefore my heart beats too slow and the blood does not flow out like it’s supposed to… at least not without the help of my pacemaker. Sure, I am one of the few younger under 50 years of age that has a pacemaker. In fact, this is my 2nd. My first I received in 2008. when we discovered I had the issue with my heart. I had for years tried telling the doctors there was something wrong with me, and they kept dismissing whatever issues I had and I feared they would mark me down as a hypochondriac. So, I stopped going to the doctor as much and tried to get by with what had been going on with my heart. Needless to say, as my heart deteriorated because of the doctors laziness. To top it off, that was not my only issue with my heart. I also have Neuro Cardio-Genic Syncope. Well, with Neuro being in the title you’d think it has to do with needing a neurologist. Apparently not if the Electrophysiologist (Electrical Heart Specialist) can fix your issues then I don’t. This happens to be something that is a mis-communication between my brain and my heart. So, when I climb stairs, I would get dizzy. I would get black tunnel vision as I climbed the stairs and as my heart rate accelerated, as it was getting difficult for me to breathe, and everything in my peripheral was turning black, I would stop, wait for my heart rate to slow and catch my breath and continue climbing stairs. This went on for many years. It also was an issue if I bent down or stooped or squatted to get something off the floor, sat on the floor, or whatever I would do to cut off the flow of blood between my hips and feet, then would stand upright and have major dizzy spells. The first Cardiologist would look at my chart, ask how I was, I’d say “fine” as a habit answer as no matter what I said before, never did any good. He would say, “okay, see you in a year” and I’d be done. Irritated and frustrated that I clearly was NOT okay and didn’t know what to do to change what was going on in my life. So, after discussing this with my then PCP, requesting to return to my Electrophysiologist, and practically demanding the referral, I found out about the Neuro Cardio-Genic Syncope from him and went on about my life only seeing him at the time. When it came to there were still issues going on, and he would no longer help me because in his mind, he “fixed me” by installing the Pacemaker and put me on medication to help with the dizzy spells. Which still I could not function normal. I still had high blood pressure, and the pills they put me on did nothing to help me. When I was in the 100 degree heat of the summer I worried about being alone and shopping without collapsing. It later turned out that my blood pressure medicine, Lisinopril with HCTZ (Hydrochlorithiazide) was severely dehydrating me despite how much water or fluids I drank. So, I was taken off of it. I was told to take Florinef, and that didn’t do much for me either. I had later contacted the original Cardiologist’s office that had diagnosed me with the “electrical” problem with my heart. Wait, didn’t I just say no one had known or shown any knowledge of my heart issue? Well, this is what happened. I decided after my kids were teenagers, and I was struggling to afford birth control, and my body had been doing a number on me for months and neither was I going through early menopause or able to get a hysterectomy. I decided to have my tubes tied, so that as a heart patient over 30, I would not risk getting pregnant and having any more children at my age. Especially when my two daughters were teenagers. I did not want a huge age gap like some people have with their siblings, and also my nerves could not tolerate the noise of a screaming and crying child any longer. I cringe in public when people are shopping or eat out with their young kids and they scream or cry. As I prepared to have this surgery, and was under the anesthesia, the Gynecologist was prepping for surgery when the Anesthesiologist found on the EKG that I infact had a heart condition. OOPS!!!! What? Really? Yes, I had a heart condition. Let me back this up even further… Turns out I have had this for years and had first started complaining of my chest hurting back in 1992 when I was enlisted in the United States Army! Well, needless to say, even their doctors didn’t look for any problems fully. I passed the physical, I even had played sports in junior high and high school, so if I didn’t have any issues prior to enlisting, why didn’t they follow up while I was enlisted? I was only x-rayed to see if I had pneumonia when I was sick. I stopped requesting medical treatment in the Army because I was being treated the same way as I was after I was discharged whenever I saw a doctor. I only asked once or twice to go, once for the chest pains and once because I had gotten a cold. The rest of the time, I was sent automatically by the drill sergeants or commanding officers because I would fall behind in the P.T. run. I couldn’t keep up. Not because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t. I felt like my heart was going to burst from my chest. Much like the alien that expelled it’s way out of John Hurt’s chest in the movie Alien. That’s what I felt like. So, as I lay there at the hospital waiting for my surgery, the next thing I know, I’m being woken up and told that my surgery had to be cancelled until my heart could be checked out. The Cardiologist on staff at the time came to visit with me, explained my situation and sent me on my way. I was told I was outside his scope of practice, and I needed to see another heart specialist that specializes in the electrical function of the heart, an Electrophysiologist. So, now that we are up to date on the first pacemaker, afterwards I was still having issues and returned to the Cardiologist that I had seen in the hospital. I explained all my concerns about still not feeling right, the Electrophysiologist felt he “fixed” me but I was still not right and I was frustrated because the Cardiologist I was seeing still said, everything looks okay, see you in a year! Well, he said okay, we will do some tests and see what we can find out. I found out I had Left Bundle Branch Block, and Dilated Idiopathic Cardio-myopathy and Sick Sinus Syndrome was placed on Carvedilol, Spironolactone and Simvastatin (even though my cholesterol wasn’t that high). Needless to say, yes a second opinion is a definite at most times, however with insurance companies as they are, you can’t just jump ship and try another just because you need a second opinion. Not only was this the case that they found more issues with my heart, but found the pacemaker at the time wasn’t doing me much justice at all! My heart had continued to deteriorate 20-25% in a years time! They had me see my Electrophysiologist with these details and explain the situation, that a new pacemaker was needed. Not only that, but the left and right sides of my heart were not communicating as they should! So, I needed a Bi-Ventricular Pacemaker. It is a 3 wire pacemaker, that has one wire stationed in the lower half, one for the upper half, and one for the left side of the heart, for the heart to be in sync with every part of itself. After my new pacemaker was installed in March of 2014, I found out that one of the wires had come loose from my heart after the first one was implanted. Uh oh! And it was never found by all the regular visits I had after the surgery and was told everything checked out! So, at some point during the 2 weeks of my recovery after the first surgery, I must have raised my arms above my head and forgot about it. Which for me was easy to do, and I had tried very hard to follow direct orders.
Since March 2014, my heart is doing better, I just wish I could figure out why I am so tired all the time. Yes, I take antidepressants, but still, I am still tired. Yes I had found I had sleep apnea and have a mask, but I’m still tired. I try to get out and work part-time to be a little active rather than lying around but I’d rather be at home. Away from people having a bad day and those screaming or crying children!
This is what’s been going on in my life for the past 6 years. Ugh! What a life!
Also, I have taken up crochet in the past year and a half. I only knew chain stitch and single crochet since I was seven years old as that was all my mom knew. I watched youtube videos and learned much much more. They were awesome and I recommend them to anyone wanting to learn to crochet or knit or even play guitar. They have tutorials for all of those things and more than likely much more. My younger sister even watched them and learned to crochet! I taught my eldest daughter what I knew and she’s bypassed me in the past year watching the videos!
I also draw, I have been drawing since I was five years old. I like using graphite and charcoal the most. I even paint occasionally. I can only look at something to draw it, but I can develop my own drawing from multiple images. I also tattoo.
My hobbies are watching movies, as I am an avid movie collector, and listening to music while crocheting or drawing.
samyers828 